Excuse Me While my Face Explodes

I have facial tics. You may or may not have seen them. I’ve become pretty good at hiding them or suppressing them. It’s the kind of thing a kid gets made fun of for, so over the years, and having gone most of my life as an undiagnosed autistic person, I’ve gotten really good at making them invisible. Even in the work I do now, working professionally in autism care, you’d think that would be an environment I could tic freely in, and it probably is, but old habits are hard to break, and while I don’t think I should have to suppress or mask my tics, and I would like to be part of normalizing things like this, but it's a survival mechanism I've developed over time.

However, when COVID-19 hit and masks became mandatory in many public spaces, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time, I could tic in public without worrying about the weird looks or comments from others. It was a strange and unexpected benefit of the pandemic. Don’t get me wrong, I wish the pandemic never happened, but public masking may just be one of those things I keep doing.

To give you a better idea of what my facial tics are like, here is a painting I did called "an Auti's Tics". The painting shows what my tics look like on the outside, versus how they feel on the inside. It was kind of a raw and vulnerable piece to put out into the world but it seems to have resonated with a lot of people.

ID: A painting featuring the artist with three different facial tics, accompanied by a distorted version of the same image with altered colors

Living with facial tics can be challenging, but I've found ways to cope. One strategy that has helped me is focusing on my breathing. When I feel a tic coming on, I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. This helps me relax and reduces the severity of my tics.

I will also often just excuse myself to do it in the bathroom or another private location. I’ve had a lot of bosses accuse me of going to the bathroom too much, but it’s been to tic or stim or some other autistic trait that I’ve been mocked for in the past. Ironically, the times I’ve explained, “I’m autistic, I excuse myself regularly to stim and tic for emotional and self regulation.” I’ve been met with “You probably shouldn’t tell people that…”

Another strategy that has been helpful is finding a supportive community. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be validating and empowering. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone and that there are others who understand what I'm going through. And also who I can stim and tic in front of without fear of judgment. My spouse knows the full unmasked Jeff, and regularly sees all my tics and twitches.

While facial tics can feel embarrassing or be difficult to manage, it's important to remember that they are a part of who we are. We shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed by them. By embracing our differences and finding ways to cope, we can lead fulfilling and meaningful lives.

I hope this post has been helpful in raising awareness and promoting understanding about facial tics. Let's continue to break down stigmas and support one another.