Dumpster Elf

by Jeff Baker

The dumpster lid slammed shut as Glimfil slipped his fingers out of the way in time to avoid being crushed. The loud clang echoed through the alley behind "Wok This Way Chinese Food Emporium". A large brooding figure stood up from behind the dumpster. The creature stood seven feet tall, had crooked yellow teeth and stringy brown hair. It wore a tattered trench coat and fingerless gloves and wiped a string of snot onto its sleeve.

"You stealin' wots mine?" it grumbled. "Great." Glimfil thought. "A troll." Glimfil had a hard time telling whether trolls were male of female and this one didn't make it easy. It had a large bust, but it slouched so it could have just been fat.

"I didn't realize this belonged to anyone." Glimfil said, "I was hoping for some dim sum. I'll leave." He didn't want any trouble. The troll sneered and barked out something threatening. Times were tough for magical creatures. Humans had long since lost the ability to see magic. Most of the elves set sail for the golden shores a millennia ago and the ones that stayed behind learned how to game the system and became aristocrats and investment bankers. Not Glimfil though, he was going through a centuries long rough patch. He didn't sail off with the other elves because he was in love, with a gnome of all creatures, and then, a half century later she dumped him! She went on to be the heiress of some megabox Swedish furniture company. Life was fine until he ran a foul of a wizard and wound up hexed. He'd been down on his luck since then. His father was an elf mage who could have lifted the hex, but he set sail for the golden shores long ago, staring disapprovingly at Glimfil spitefully making out with his gnome lover as he sailed away. Thanks to the hex, anything Glimfil did would blow up in his face. He had some good jobs over the years: Captain of the Titanic, Pilot of the Hindenburg, Head Scientist at Chernobyl. Nothing lately, though.

Glimfil was about to head to the nearest park to rummage through a garbage can when he saw something he didn't expect: a beautiful fairy with flowing red hair. She looked distressed as she ran, looking behind her every few steps until she tripped and hit the pavement. A gang of four leather clad orcs walked out of the shadows laughing. The biggest one leaned over and reached into her shirt, pulling out a golden chain with a gem on the end.

"We'll be taking this." He said.

Glimfil wanted to help, but he knew that wouldn't end well because of the hex. But then he had a brilliant thought:

"I'll help the orcs!" He said, "Then when everything goes to hell, it will blow up on them and not her!" He ran over to them and also grabbed onto the golden chain.

"What are you doing?" snarled the orc. "I'm helping you!" he said, "Let's beat her up and take her stuff! WOO!!" as he woo'd he shot his fist up in the air triumphantly, accidentally punching the orc in the chin and knocking him out. The rest of the orcs growled and started in on Glimfil. "No, I'm helping!" He insisted, yanking of the chain off the fairy's neck, which activated a security charm the gem was blessed with. One of the orcs snatched it from him just as lightning poured out of it, incapacitating the gang. They fell over into each other and hit the ground unconscious. Glimfil was proud of himself. He spun around and offered his hand to the fairy.

"You're welcome." He said proudly. "Welcome for what?" She shouted, slapping his hand out of the way, "robbing me?" "No, I was helping you!" he insisted. "You said you were going to beat me up and take my stuff and then you broke my necklace! It's a family heirloom!" She yanked the necklace out of his hands and stuffed it in her coat pocket, then sprouted some wings and started to fly away. "Jerk." She said over her shoulder. Glimfil was stunned. He stood alone in the park over a pile of unconscious orcs. He wasn't sure what he thought would happen here, but this wasn't it. "Goddammit." He said and walked over to the trash can to scrounge for food, defeated, and oblivious to the fact that he was able to do something good for once.